I honestly don’t remember much about the movie carrying this post’s title, other than it was a good movie and somehow an absence of malice meant a crime was not committed. Maybe I’ll rent it and watch it again all these years later, and find even more correlation between it and what I’m feeling today.

But an absence of malice is definitely what I’m feeling, as curious as that is, given the situation. By most people’s standards, I have every right to feel indignant, affronted, let down, taken advantage of, and generally used and abused. I put my best into something, went over and above the call of duty to assist someone in achieving their dream, only to be discarded, dismissed without notice…and sneakily, at that.

Therein lies the key phrase: ‘by most people’s standards.’

As I’ve said before, most people (sadly) are not living conscious, on-purpose lives. Most people don’t hold themselves accountable and responsible for 100% of their lives. Most people don’t look for their part, their contribution to the negative situations, events and relationships they have in their lives. For most people, problems are caused by someone or something else and the solutions are found somewhere ‘out there.’

So, I don’t want to live by ‘most people’s standards.’

Given that, today I look for and keep looking until I find ‘my part’ in whatever is going on in my life - both the good and the bad. When something negative happens, I no longer whip out the finger of blame and find a target. I know that I had a part in creating whatever it is that I’m dealing with, and if I don’t want anymore of whatever that is, I have to find out what my part in it was so I can learn from that and not recreate it in my life again. Yes, living life this way is hard and messy, but the only ‘peace I’m willing to keep’ these days is my own peace of mind.

I suppose back when, back before I’d really forgiven myself all my misdeeds, missteps and miscommunications, I directed a good chunk of the malice these situations create at myself. I was my own worst enemy in that regard. But beating myself up is part of how I stayed a victim for so long. There is no energy for growth when you have to defend yourself against yourself.

It is in the learning how to forgive that I discovered peace. The big surprise, for me, was that even though I forgave the other person, or let go of the situation, true peace did not arrive until I forgave myself for my part in creating the situation in the first place.

I derive no benefit from running around with my panties in a wad over what this person did or didn’t do to, for or against me, unless my goal is increased blood pressure, stress and diminished quality of life. So that part of forgiving or letting go is much easier for me than the part that requires me to forgive myself for investing my time, energy and talents in unappreciative projects and people.

I had to learn that others don’t value the same things I do, they don’t always understand or appreciate the investment we make in each other in business or personal relationships, and that by continuing to invest without a return, I teach others that valuing me and what I offer is not required. So, do I have the right to be mad because they are good students?

No.

Once I understood this, I realized that the reason people hold grudges is that it’s much easier to focus on how you’ve been wronged, than to grow enough as a person to no longer allow it.

So, even though it’s harder, and it’s messy, and growth is required, I prefer to live with an absence of malice.