A recurring theme this past week has been “accept what is.” I’ve had conversations with coaching clients about this concept and their questions led me to search for a better, clearer way to describe how to “accept what is” in everyday life, because I believe - no, I KNOW - this to be a key to real happiness.

More than one person told me that they just can’t “accept” this kind of negative behavior from someone. That it’s not ok, and that what I was asking them to do - accept what is - was something they weren’t willing to do. This took me back to a time in my own life when I felt the same way. When I didn’t understand what it meant to “accept what is.” I remember feeling the same way, that to accept something meant I approved of it. But that’s not what I mean.

So, I turned to my trusty friend Webster, and here are the definitions I found for the word “accept”:

transitive verb:
1 a: to receive willingly <accept a gift>
   b: to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added) <a surface that will not accept ink>

2: to give admittance or approval to <accept her as one of the group>

3 a: to endure without protest or reaction <accept poor living conditions>
   b: to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable <the idea is widely accepted>
   c: to recognize as true : believe <refused to accept the explanation>

4 a: to make a favorable response to <accept an offer>
   b: to agree to undertake (a responsibility) <accept a job>

5: to assume an obligation to pay; also : to take in payment <we don’t accept personal checks>

6: to receive (a legislative report) officially

intransitive verb:
to receive favorably something offered —usually used with of <a heart more disposed to accept of his — Jane Austen>

The keys to what I mean when I say “accept what is” lie in the 3rd definition, most closely in 3c: to recognize as true. But there’s an element of 3a involved, too, at least in the without protest or reaction part. So, my definition would be to recognize as true without protest or reaction. Yes - that’s it. That’s what I mean.

When we are dealing with life situations, particularly negative ones, we tend to get wrapped up in how things “should” be rather than how they are. Our suffering exists, then, in that gap between how things “should” be and how they are. It’s our non-acceptance, or our unwillingness to look at the situation and recognize it as true without protest or reaction that causes our suffering. When we put our focus and attention on this gap, we suffer more because our minds are wanting something other than our current reality, which is impossible.

When we can recognize something as true without protest or reaction in the present moment, whatever it is, just is. It’s not until we protest or react and mentally leave the present moment (going into the past with it hasn’t always been this way or going into the future with if this or that would happen, it wouldn’t be this way) that the suffering starts.

Our suffering gets even worse if we refuse to recognize what is as true. If we deny what is right in front of us, the gap grows even larger, and our suffering right along with it. We end up torturing ourselves while the situation remains unchanged.

This dynamic becomes even more pronounced in our relationships. When someone is treating us badly, it’s even harder to “accept what is” and to recognize it as true without protest or reaction. Our minds rush to the past to find all the evidence for why we don’t deserve this treatment and rush into the future to find what needs to change in them, in us, or both. But no matter how far into the past or future we go, nothing changes the fact that we’re being treated poorly right now. As if being treated poorly isn’t bad enough, we turn our pain into suffering by not “accepting what is.”

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Pain is part of being human. Accepting what is allows you to feel the pain and move through it without suffering.