One of the biggest misconceptions the people I’ve worked with have about setting boundaries is that it is just another name for manipulation. In fact, when I was first beginning to learn how to set personal boundaries, I, too, thought setting boundaries was about manipulation, making threats and issuing ultimatums.

It’s easy to see why I was and so many others have been confused. A boundary is stated as:

If you describe the behavior that is unacceptable

I will describe the action you will take if the other person displays the unacceptable behavior

If you continue this behavior describe the steps that you will take to defend the boundary you have set

“Hmmm…Suzanne,” I hear you thinking, “sounds to me an awful lot like how threats and ultimatums are issued, too. What’s the difference?”

Setting a boundary is not making a threat. It is about communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues with unacceptable behavior toward us. Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control others (though you’ll surely be accused of that, just as some will interpret a boundary as a threat) - it is part of the process of defining what is acceptable to us. It is a major step in defining for ourselves how we will allow others to treat us. It is, in fact, a critical step in taking 100% responsibility for our lives.

The difference between setting a boundary and manipulation is when we set a boundary, we let go of the outcome.

Big difference.

Manipulation sets conditions and consequences to elicit desired behavior. A “do this, or else” situation. Setting a boundary informs of consequences for unacceptable behavior. A “you do this, expect this, no matter what” situation. The difference is the “no matter what” part. It’s not conditional. It’s where letting go of the outcome is required.

And the outcomes we have to let go of include people leaving our lives, others being upset or angry with us, and all manner of other outcomes we really don’t want.

You can’t set a boundary and try to control the outcome, too. That’s manipulation.