That I could be successful in a business of my own is not a complete surprise to me. But the complete-and-total-letting-go-while-you-hold-on-for-dear-life that I have had to learn how to pull off on a daily basis has been.

I didn’t know it would be this hard.

I don’t know why I didn’t know. I think I should have known.

Prior to starting this business, I had not experienced success in self-employment. I had tried, but there was what felt like a bullet proof window between me and the success I sought. I could see it…I just couldn’t get there.

What was standing in my way back then was my mindset. My beliefs. One of them was that anyone who comes telling you that you need to change how you think to be successful was full of hooey, plain and simple. Why? Because we all know that you can’t just think your way rich…sorry, Napoleon Hill…there’s something other than thinking involved: Action.

But I think our buddy Napoleon knew that. It’s just me…when I read what he wrote…I wish it were just that easy. Think…and grow rich.

But the real problem is this: How are you supposed to know what to do if you’re in uncharted territory? How are you supposed to think yourself forward? Time marches on whether we do anything, or not, so it’s not merely the passage of time that will make us wiser. Can’t be.

So, you’re right when you conclude that it’s something different you need to do.

How do you figure it out?

Well, the obvious way is to find someone successfully doing what you want to do. Ask them what they did to get where they are and then go do that. But even that’s not going to work completely, because you are not them and they are not you.

In my quest for business success, I have fallen prey to many a ‘guru’…have spent an inordinate amount of money pursuing ‘the secret’ to success right now. Not all that money, time or effort was wasted, because the lesson I learned is that you can’t look outside yourself for the key to your success. You have to look inside.

I used to get extremely frustrated looking around the web because I’d come across so many people making good great money and I’d think, “Why them? I’m smarter. I’ve got more experience. I…” and the list goes on and on.

You can see where this line of thinking will take you: Nowhere…fast.

A much more fruitful use of my time has been to turn my attention inward, asking, “What do you want, Suz?” (I’m continually stunned at how difficult that simple question can be to answer.)

So, the past three years have been about answering that simple little question for myself.

And in answering, I’ve had to become willing to take risks. I’ve had to put myself out there. I’ve had to let go of thoughts, beliefs, ideas and attitudes that held me back. In doing so, I’ve felt scared, vulnerable….naked, even. Definitely not my favorite feelings. But they’ve led to courage, confidence…success, even.

Skills: Don’t wish it were easier; wish you were better. Don’t wish for less problems; wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenges; wish for more wisdom.

Growth: Don’t join an easy crowd. You won’t grow. Go where the expectations and the demands to perform and achieve are high.

Change: We generally change ourselves for one of two reasons: inspiration or desperation.

Activity: The few who do are the envy of the many who watch.

Success: Success is what you attract by the person you become.

~ Jim Rohn (September 17, 1930 – December 5, 2009)

Here’s the paradox: You need your gurus. They are the shortcut to your success, because they can fill in the ‘what to do’ gap when you have no clue. They can also inspire you with their own journeys. They can lead you by example.

But no guru can tell you who you are or teach you how to be you. They can model being themselves, but you are the authority on you. And if you’re not, no guru can really help you.

From this point forward, when you find yourself seeking advice, information, or steps-to-success from the gurus, don’t forget to check it all against what you know about yourself and what you want. Take what works for you and leave the rest. Don’t make anyone but you the authority on you.

I just finished reading Tim Brownson’s post, Work/Life Bullshit, and began to leave a comment. When I realized that I had a full-blown blog post on my hands, I thought I’d bring it over here so some of you could get in on the conversation, should you care to.

I, like Tim and many others, do what I do because I love it. While I’m lucky enough to create my income doing what I love, I do still ‘have’ to do it.

Ok, that’s a lie, too. I don’t ‘have’ to do it, but I choose to because the consequences of choosing not to are not attractive to me. (I’ve grown accustomed to my home, my car, among other things and Lord knows I’m not trying to live without my computer and Internet service!)

However, I think you made a very good point, Tim, when you said that when employers are yapping about work/life balance, most of the time it’s because they don’t want you to have any. I agree. But I think the bigger point is when you find yourself worrying about work/life balance, that means it’s already out of whack…like noticing you’re thirsty means you should have had a drink hours ago.

I think there are as many ways to get out of whack balancing work and the rest of your life as there are people on the planet. Loving what you do for ‘work’ doesn’t automatically make you immune to imbalance. On the contrary, I think it sometimes makes you more susceptible.

I don’t think Tim’s wife, at least on the evening mentioned in his post, thinks he’s got the balance figured out anymore than my kids did last night when at 9:30pm I was still absorbed in a new site I am building…lost in the bliss of “ooohh..I wonder if I can make it do this…oooh, I can!…then, I wonder if I can make it do that…oooh, yes, I can…so does that mean I can make it do this, too?…OMG…yes, I can!…”  I finally stepped away from the computer at 10, and that completed a 12hr stretch of design bliss.

Granted, not every day is like that for me. Not even most are…but enough are. My 16y/o cooks dinner more often than I do (like…a LOT more often!) And no, that won’t kill him, and yes, it’s good that he’ll go out into the world knowing how to cook…but it’s kinda not the point.

Of course, this example may not be the best one to use, because I abhor cooking dinner with a vengeance. I’d do a whole lot of things I don’t love to do to get out of daily chef duty.

Maybe I stress too much because now that I work at home, I get wrapped up in the illusion that my kids should get ‘more’ of me than they did when I was in the corporate world. Where’s the logic in that? I traded doing one job – granted, away from home and for extended hours each day – for doing ALL jobs related to my business.

I will say this: It’s a whole dang lot easier to keep track of them and be where they need me to be when I’m my own boss. And often, they’ve lamented that their mom is ‘all up in their business all the time’ because I’m not stuck somewhere downtown at an office all day long. Other times, and especially here lately, I think I’d be a whole lot less stressed if I didn’t have such a front row seat to what they’re up to.

So if I’m still working a lot of hours, what’s changed about the balance in my life? Am I still out of whack?

It’s all relative. My kids think it’s just fine if I spend 24 hours a day on the computer, unless and until they want something. Then I work too much.  What they’re really wanting to is to dictate even more of my schedule than they already do. If it were my attention they were craving, I wouldn’t get turned down for movie nights or family outings as much as I do because they’ve got ‘other plans’.

Even as I write that, I realize that what’s really different today (as opposed to the corporate days) is that when I’m not ‘working’, I’m not in a bad mood.  Used to be, I’d come home all jacked up about stuff at work and it took more than the drive home to decompress. The mommy time they got back then was polluted, if you will, with leftover work garbage.

Another thing that’s really different today is the quality of my life. It’s gone way up. WAY up. It’s filled with far less of the stuff I don’t want in my life and far more of the stuff I do.

For me, the work/life balancing act was made exponentially easier when I engaged in work I love versus the kind that made me want to stick needles in my eyes. But it’s still a balancing act.

But then, isn’t every aspect of life a dance in and around a proverbial sweet spot?

It may be a simple question, but the answer has far-reaching effects in your life. If you don’t think you can do something, it’s very likely you won’t even try. You won’t put the time, effort or energy into it because, after all, it would be a waste, right? And who has time, effort or energy to waste these days?

On the other hand, if you think you can do something, you’re probably more than willing to invest the time, effort and energy into it because you’re pretty sure you’ll get the result you’re after.

So what makes the difference between thinking you can’t and thinking you can do something? For most of us, it’s proof. Proof in the form of results, past results, most likely. Where does that leave you if you’re looking at trying something completely new? Empty-handed? Not necessarily.

Just because you’ve never done a particular thing before does not mean you lack proof of your ability. All you have to do is rewind back to the last time you had to do something you thought you couldn’t do, but did. Guess what? There’s your proof. We each have things in our past that we thought for sure were going to ‘eat our lunch’, but didn’t.

There was a time in my life that I thought there was NO WAY I’d be able to earn a living from home without a job. I have three kids, a mortgage and a car payment, for crying out loud, plus I’m single with no other income to rely on! Well, guess what I’ve been doing since December of 2002?

Maybe for you it’s your managing your website or blog, or writing effective marketing copy, or picking up the phone and reaching out to a prospective new client, or any number of other things that loom over you.

Matters not. You’ve got proof. And the really good news is that “proof” from one area of your life transfers over to any other area of your life, because the proof is really about all the times – in any situation or context – that you did something you didn’t think you could do.

What can you change your mind about today and think you can, instead?

It’s certainly a gross understatement to say relationships are complicated. Who we are and how we act are influenced by so many things seen and unseen, and the same is true for everyone else. Relating to others can feel like walking through a mine field. One misstep and boom! – something unexpected blows up in your face.

We are responsible for the messages we send, but we are not necessarily responsible for how the message is received, particularly given how many ways and reasons there are for a message to be misconstrued. But in being responsible for the messages we send, we can’t turn a blind eye to the likely perceptions of others. And certainly, our words are not the only vehicle by which we send messages. We are responsible for all of the messages we send.

Are you skewing the messages you send verbally with behavior that says the opposite? Do your words say one thing while your actions say another?

Try stepping outside your own skin and seeing yourself through the eyes of others. Is the message you send the message you intend?