When setting personal boundaries, you have to decide what action you will take if the other person displays unacceptable behavior. To effectively decide, you have to own all your choices. This means giving up the victim role and getting rid of all the “have to”s in your vocabulary and thinking.

To see just how pervasive the victim mentality is, consider how many times you have said, or heard someone else say, “I can’t, I have to go to work.” When we say, “I have to…” we are speaking with a victim mentality. No one can force you to go to work. The truth is, “I choose not to do that and choose, instead, to go to work because I choose to not have the consequences of not going to work.” There is very little in life that we “have to” do. (Even the saying, “I don’t have to do anything but die and pay taxes” is wrong. Granted, one day you will die, but you can choose not to pay your taxes.)

We always have a choice. We may not like any of our choices, but we still have them. Even in life events where it seems like we don’t have a choice (getting laid off work, a spouse filing for divorce, a house fire, the car breaking down) we still have a choice about how we respond to the event. We can choose to see the glass half full and be grateful for it, or we can choose to see the glass half empty and be the victim of it. The more conscious we get about our choices, the more empowered we become.

Once you own all of your choices in a situation, it’s much easier to make decisions about the actions you are willing to take to enforce a boundary you’ve set. If you set boundaries you aren’t willing to enforce, you might as well not bother setting them in the first place. It is not enough to just set boundaries - it is necessary to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. It is also important to set consequences that impact the other person more than you.

One of my boundaries in my last relationship was, “If you drink and drive, do not call me if you go to jail because I will not come to bail you out.” Eventually, he got a DUI and went to jail. At 2am he called me, still drunk, begging me to come and get him out. I said no, and reminded him of my boundary. He got mad and hung up. He called back, this time angry, and tried to bully me into agreeing to come and get him out. Still, I said no, and further told him that if he called back again, I would not answer the phone. Again, he got mad and hung up on me. Then I turned off the phone.

Was it easy to enforce that boundary? No! Did I second guess myself? Oh yes, most of the rest of the night, but I knew if I went back on my word, that boundary would be erased forever. At the time, I had money for the mortgage or money to bail him out - not both. I have children that depend on me to keep a roof over their heads, not to mention over my own, and I chose to take care of myself and those depending on me, and let him experience the consequences of his choices.

When we set boundaries, we hope the other person will change their unacceptable behavior. But it is their choice to do so, or not, so we have to be prepared to enforce the boundaries we set and let go of the outcome. At that time, I knew I would not be able to follow through if I said I would end the relationship, so I didn’t say that. I made sure to only say what I knew I would enforce, no matter what he did, said or tried. Did I care that he had to spend a few days in jail? Yes. But I cared more about respecting myself and keeping my word.