One of the most interesting ‘adventures’ of my life to date has been learning how to detach with love. I’ve had multiple opportunities to learn this over the course of my life because I’m rather hardheaded and life has a way of being rather persistent when it comes to teaching us what we most need to learn. If you don’t ‘get it’ the first time, life will give you another opportunity, and another, and another, until you finally do.

For example, I’ve had serious relationships with two alcoholics in my adult life; I married one and spent almost 9 years with the other. In each relationship, I was Mrs. Fix-It. There wasn’t a problem or mess either one of them could present to me that I couldn’t solve or clean up…with the exception of their respective addictions.

The problem was, though, that I kept intervening between them and the consequences of their choices, at great expense (financially and emotionally) to myself. While I was busy protecting them from themselves and their consequences, I was becoming more and more angry, resentful, bitter, tired and less and less of who I really am. I was getting lost in the shuffle, as were my kids and their childhoods.

Neither one of them had any reason to make different choices because by my actions, I had taught both of them that they and their problems were the MOST important thing in my life. Not me, not my sanity, not my self-esteem, not even the kids - THEY were most important. The only way I could teach them (and most importantly, myself and the kids) anything different was to stop intervening. I had to get out of the way of their consequences. I needed to let them feel the heat from the fires they were starting instead of playing fireman and battling to put them out.

Detaching doesn’t mean that you stop caring. Detaching means you recognize that it - whatever it is - is not your responsibility and you butt out. You stop inadvertently sending the message, “You can’t do it. You’re not capable. Let me do it,” and instead, you send the message, “I believe in you. You can do it! Yes, you can.”