Ultimately, while we do not and cannot control everything in our lives, we can take 100% responsibility for the quality of our lives. While you may not control outside events, other people, or the weather, you do have extraordinary means by which to control your experience of all these things, and that means is your focus. You decide what you give your attention to! Granted, you may be passive about this and allow your attention to go to the loudest, most obnoxious thing happening in the moment, but that’s still you allowing.

What you focus on determines what you think about, what you talk about and what you do. If you focus on things outside of you, what you can’t do, control or affect, you’re going to feel very powerless. But, if you focus on you, what you can do, what you can control or affect, suddenly you are powerful! You can make a difference. You can experience the same circumstances and situations completely differently - all with a change in your focus.

If you ask better questions, you get better answers. With better answers, you can generate better results. So, if you’re looking to quickly improve the quality of your life, ask better questions. John G. Miller wrote a great little book on this very topic, and I recommend it highly: it’s called “QBQ! The Question Behind the Question: Practicing Personal Accountability in Work and in Life”. Basically, it’s premise is that our first reactions are often negative, bringing to mind the kinds of nonproductive questions we’ve just talked about. But if, in each moment of decision, we discipline our thoughts to look behind those initial questions and ask better ones, the questions themselves will lead us to better answers and better results.

So, how many times have you heard someone (maybe even you) ask:

• Why me?
• Why do we have to go through all this change?
• When is someone going to train me?
• Who dropped the ball?
• Why can’t they communicate better?
• When is he going to do his job right?
• Who’s going to solve the problem?
• When am I going to find good people?
• Why don’t they share the vision?
• Why do I have to do everything around here?
• Who’s supposed to be covering this?
• When are they going to learn to follow directions?

It’s understandable that we can feel and think this way, especially when we’re frustrated, but the truth is these are lousy questions. They’re negative and they don’t solve any problems, and nothing positive or productive comes from asking them.

They’re also the complete opposite of taking 100% responsibility for our lives because they each imply that someone or something else is responsible for the problem or situation we’re experiencing.

Here are three simple guidelines for creating a QBQ:

1. Begin with “What” or “How” (not “why”, “when”, or “who”)
2. Contain an “I” (not “they”, “them”, “we” or “you”)
3. Focus on action.

“What can I do?” is the perfect QBQ. It starts with “what”, contains an “I” and focuses on action.

Some other great QBQs:

• How can I adapt to all this change?
• How can I better communicate?
• How can I better understand you?
• What solution can I provide?
• What can I do to find the information to make a decision?
• What can I do to reach my ideal customer?
• How can I achieve with the resources I already have?
• How can I apply what I’m hearing?
• What can I do today to solve the problem?
• How can I help move this project forward?
• What action can I take to ‘own’ the situation?
• What can I do right now to make a difference?

We can’t change other people.

We often can’t control circumstances and events.

The only things we have any real control over are our own beliefs, thoughts, words and actions.

Asking questions that focus our efforts and energy on what we can do makes us significantly more effective, not to mention happier and less frustrated!

You can’t be a victim if you’re taking 100% responsibility for the quality of your life. In fact, I’d go so far as to say the two are mutually exclusive. By definition, a victim is not responsible. A victim is powerless, but you’re not. You have the power to choose, and as long as you have that (and don’t give it away) you have the power to create your life the way you want it.

Once again, it’s a question of your focus, which is something you control. If you focus on who’s at fault, you might find someone to blame, but how will that fix the problem? And how do those initial questions that come to mind make you feel? Don’t they reinforce a feeling of powerlessness or being at the mercy of things you don’t control?

But if you take a moment and think about how you can reframe your questions as QBQs, things change. Pay attention to how QBQ questions feel when you ask them. Hopeful, yes? My favorites are the ‘how’ questions, why? Because in asking how do to something, the implication is that it can be done. Love it!

Want a better life? Ask better questions.