Trust, Then Verify
Jul 15th, 2008 | By Suzanne | Category: Accountability |
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One of the more difficult tasks we face in this life is how to rebuild trust in a relationship. Once trust is compromised or broken, there’s a suspicion present that wasn’t there before, and it’s palpable - everyone can feel it. Where before you would never have questioned, now you think twice. That doubt, that hesitation is the barrier to effectively rebuilding the trust that was once there, so, what can you do? Are you just stuck until it goes away? How’s that just going to magically happen? There’s no “magic”, but there IS something you can do about it.
You can trust, then verify.
For the betrayed, it’s not enough to have been given an apology, a promise that it will never happen again. A sincere apology might go a long way toward healing the hurt, but a promise that it won’t ever happen again might be too hard to swallow. Let’s face it - you didn’t think it would happen the first time, but it did. So, how does trust, then verify help? It builds a new database of “proof”, if you will, that allows you to see that the other person is trustworthy once again because their “walk” is matching their “talk”.
Basically, trust, then verify means you take what they say at face value, and then you verify that what they say is actually true - building the proof you need to feel safe trusting them again. Yeah - it means you check up on them. For how long? That depends on you. When you feel like you can trust them again, without having to check up on them.
And if you ever find yourself having broken someone’s trust - offer trust, then verify up as a way for them to take your apology seriously and know that you’re sincere about wanting to earn their trust again. If you betrayed someone’s trust, then you won’t mind being ‘checked up on’ - in fact, you might just decide that it’s a good thing because it will likely speed the healing process for both of you.
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See Also:
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- What You Really Mean When You Say You Have Reservations
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July 16th, 2008 6:37 am :
Makes me think of the romantic relationship advice … don’t tell me what you are going to do - do it and prove it to me. Once trust is broken we can decide to allow someone to regain our trust by doing what you say or we can simply decide to remove them from our lives.
I find as my intuitive abilities increase I am “once fooled” less and less.
July 16th, 2008 7:06 am :
You’re absolutely right - it’s up to us whether we allow someone to regain our trust. I learned about trust, then verify very early in my tender young adult years and have always allowed those close to me to try. There have been a couple individuals who thought ttv was just my way of torturing them and “making them pay” for their transgressions - they thought an apology should have been enough. Not.
Even in the face of ttv, I have found myself in the “first time, shame on you; second time, shame on me” shoes more times than I care to admit. Trust, then verify is hard to employ if you have weak or nonexistent boundaries like I did for so long, but even a faulty implementation of it is, in my eyes, better than none at all.
July 16th, 2008 9:23 am :
Good morning Suzanne…love this blog. It really makes me think whether or not I can Trust, Then Verify (TTV). I’m a very LOYAL person when it comes to friends and relationships. I trust without a doubt…until someone screws up.
In the past, I would have written them off and kept on walking because I held fast to the saying, ‘first time shame on you, second time shame on me.’ Fortunately, I can’t remember the last time I walked away from a relationship with someone that I REALLY cared about. Sure, I’ve ended relationships with associates and some of them because of trust issues, but I don’t miss those relationships, nor have a desire to hang out with those individuals, unless you buy into ‘keep your friends close; and your enemies even closer.’
Thankfully, the one I love the most has never given me a reason not to trust him and I hope he never will. But, I also know that if he did, given our history, I would give him a second chance…because love doesn’t just magically stop over night because you’ve been hurt by someone…so I would have to employ TTV…hmmm and while I’m at it do a little shopping, traveling, and remodeling all on his dime.
What…I didn’t say I wasn’t vengeful or a WORK IN PROGRESS.
July 16th, 2008 11:16 am :
I like this a lot, Suzanne! I tend to be more of the trust, trust, trust, and trust some more person. I don’t just give second chances, but fourth and fifth and sixth chances. No wonder I sometimes feel like an idiot
I think this may be something I will utilize out loud - not in an ultimatum kind of a way, but definitely in a mutual relationship-building way. Of course, I guess the other person would have to recognize that they broke my trust to begin with …
Lots and lots to think about! Good stuff!
Blessings,
Andrea
July 16th, 2008 11:33 am :
Suzanne, what a great idea. As an incest survivor and adult child of an alcoholic, I trusted wholehearted or not at all. There was no in-between area of you regaining my trust once you betrayed it.
The past year has been an interesting journey of discovery between my best friend and I. We had a major disagreement, split up for several months and then began to find our way back to our relationship as best friends. I can’t say that it is back to where it was before our disagreement. I don’t think it ever will be and we are back to being best friends. In the past, there would have been nothing she could have done to get back to us being friends. Today, I trust her and I see her as she really is and as I really am, as individuals who are perfect in our spiritual journey. We are both where we are supposed to be on our paths. Sometimes those paths parallel each other and sometimes they digress in other directions as they should as individuals.
We have our group lessons and we have our individual lessons to learn. Trust has been one of my major lessons. This year was the first time in a long time that I have visited that particular classroom. I have grown in that area. I have been blessed with some really strong women in my life who taught me the healthy way to trust rather than the all or nothing way of my childhood.
July 17th, 2008 1:28 am :
Yasmin - girl, you’re too much! But I know what you mean - history makes a difference, and the more of it you have, the more of a difference it makes - good, bad or otherwise.
Andrea - TTV works best when it’s implemented in an open, honest way. But then, that’s the only environment I know of where trust can grow (or re-grow, in this case) anyway. Beware those who balk at TTV - part of being trustworthy is being open and transparent to the other person, and TTV requires both. In my experience, the one who balked was the one still trying to run game on me and therefore a) insincere in the apology (sorry he got caught more than anything else) and b) still untrustworthy.
Patricia - Yes, I’ve found that TTV is a great way to not only rebuild trust in another person, but an excellent way to build trust in your own judgment. Not being able to trust my judgment or my ‘gut’ was the hardest thing to repair for me. I’m still working on it - might always be.
July 17th, 2008 1:36 pm :
I really enjoyed your post and subscribed your RSS
September 4th, 2008 3:11 am :
I think this may be something I will utilize out loud - not in an ultimatum kind of a way, but definitely in a mutual relationship-building way. Of course, I guess the other person would have to recognize that they broke my trust to begin with …
Franciscas last blog post..Reno, Nevada
September 23rd, 2008 4:08 am :
Thankfully, the one I love the most has never given me a reason not to trust him and I hope he never will. But, I also know that if he did, given our history, I would give him a second chance…because love doesn’t just magically stop over night because you’ve been hurt by someone…so I would have to employ TTV…hmmm and while I’m at it do a little shopping, traveling, and remodeling all on his dime.
Cricks last blog post..Garland, Texas
October 12th, 2008 11:22 pm :
The post is good and also it is useful. I think this may be something I will utilize out loud - not in an ultimatum kind of a way, but definitely in a mutual relationship-building way. Of course, I guess the other person would have to recognize that they broke my trust to begin with …
Joselyns last blog post..Santa Clarita, California