If I’ve made a recurring mistake in relationships over the course of my life, it has been trying to “fix” other people. Interestingly - to “fix” something implies that it was broken before you got hold of it - and who decides what “broken” is?

Of course, I did not consciously enter into these relationships with the idea to “fix” the other person. Oh no - my intentions were far nobler than all that! I was trying to “help” them!

To be sure, discerning the difference between “helping” and “fixing” can be tricky. Either can be attempted with or without an invitation from the person being “helped” or “fixed”.

Here’s a rule of thumb I use to help me determine the difference:

If you are upset about their problem, it’s your problem, and you’re trying to “fix” them. If you are not upset, then you are probably trying to “help”.

If someone else’s behavior upsets you, that’s a signal for you, not them. You’re either recognizing in them something you don’t like about yourself, or something that’s happened in the past that you haven’t come to terms with or let go of. Calling yourself “helping” them in this frame of mind is really assuming the task of “fixing” them so you don’t have to be uncomfortable anymore…and that’s not “helping” them - it’s all about “helping” you with your problem.

Imagine the shoe on the other foot. Something you do bothers someone else and they set about “helping” you not behave like that anymore. Is that help? Or are you feeling like someone else is trying to run your life?

People may have problems, but they’re rarely broken. So, don’t try to “fix” them. Work on yourself, instead.